My babies are 14 months apart. When I was pregnant with our second daughter, Camille, I struggled a lot with how such a monumental change would affect her older sister Aurelia. After all, Aurelia was herself still a baby. I had faith that my husband and I would eventually figure out how to raise two under two, but I worried that Aurelia would have a hard time adjusting.
So many well-meaning people who I shared my concerns with said, “oh it’s good that Aurelia is so young. She won’t remember life as an only child.” In theory, that sounds logical, but research actually suggests the opposite; young children who are thrust into an older sibling role have a harder time coping because they don’t yet have the skills to manage their emotions or the words to the express them. The younger they are, the less equipped they are and the harder it is for them to adjust.
On more than one occasion in the months leading up to Camille’s birth, I remember sobbing as I tried to hold Aurelia over my growing bump, absolutely heartbroken for her.
Then I read Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham, and it changed my life. The book takes a hands-on, research-based approach to facilitating a loving, happy, respectful family culture. It centers on the importance of the parent-child bond and on practicing empathy to help foster a safe environment for children to manage their emotions and ultimately build life-long bonds with siblings. She doesn’t sugarcoat the issues parents and children face, and she doesn’t minimize the very real assumptions a child can make when parents bring home a new baby. (She likens it to a spouse bringing home a new partner who sleeps in their room and gets all the attention. How would you feel?) She offers dozens of real-life conflict-resolution examples (including sample scripts) to help put theories into practice. She explains how parents should evaluate tantrums and how to address them. And throughout her book, she references books by other authors that have turned out to be great resources for me as well.
After reading the book, I felt incredibly prepared and empowered. Dr. Markham spoke my language, and her approach to parenting really resonated with me. She challenged popular child-rearing methods that instinctively didn’t feel right for me and gave me other tools to try instead. She specifically covered challenges that arise when siblings are close in age. She even addressed families who were about to add a new baby and offered suggestions on how to prepare siblings, introduce them for the first time and arm visitors/friends/family with tips to avoid making siblings feel overlooked. Honestly, this book is a treasure.
Today, Camille is almost three months old, and we’re all adjusting incredibly well. That’s not to say there aren’t meltdowns or power struggles, but given the magnitude of the changes in Aurelia’s life, she’s responded beautifully. We use the principles in this book every single day. They’ve given me permission to parent the way that feels natural to me, but that I’ve never seen modeled before. And they’ve given me new ideas for bonding with my children that I can’t wait to continue to implement, adapt and build upon.
P.S. If you don’t plan on having multiple children, you might be interested in Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, which as the title suggests, doesn’t have the same emphasis on siblings.
I always heard that childbirth rarely goes as planned, which was certainly the case with our first baby, Aurelia, and it turns out our second child’s birth was equally unpredictable. I’d wanted to give birth to Aurelia at home but after 24 hours of labor I was dehydrated, exhausted and not progressing, so I decided to transfer to the hospital. Since my transfer wasn’t an emergency, we had the luxury of choosing the best (not the closest) hospital, and so we went to North Fulton Hospital on the recommendation of my midwife. The care Aurelia and I received there was outstanding, and to be honest, it restored my faith in empowered hospital birth experiences.
On the same day as Aurelia’s six month well visit with her pediatrician, I confirmed what I already knew: that I was pregnant with our second baby. I shared the good news with my midwife and let her know that I wanted to try a home birth again. I had several reasons for wanting a home birth, but I desperately wanted a water birth, and hospitals that allow them are hard to come by.
My pregnancy was blessedly uneventful; in fact, I felt significantly better than I had while I was pregnant with Aurelia. I felt so good during my first trimester that I convinced myself I must be having a boy (if you believe the old wives’ tale that morning sickness is worse with girls). In my case, morning sickness was worse when I was depleted, and the weekly acupuncture visits and a few supplements that I started after Aurelia was born made me feel healthier than I had in years.
I took our good health for granted because everything was going well…until my 37 week appointment. My midwife heard an irregular heartbeat and urged me pretty insistently to drive directly to the hospital for monitoring. Fortunately, after a couple of hours of monitoring, the hospital’s midwife told me that the baby’s heartbeat was steady and strong and that sometimes babies can get “worked up” so their heartrate fluctuates. Regardless, the experience left me shaken. I drove home, burst into tears and told my husband that I no longer wanted a home birth. It actually wasn’t the fear of something going wrong that changed my mind; I’d had a nagging feeling throughout my pregnancy that something didn’t feel right about a home birth. That day, driving home from the hospital, I realized that I’d chosen to do a home birth sort of by default, without really considering what I wanted for this pregnancy. I wanted to do a home birth to prove to myself that I could, not because it was the right choice for this baby. I also wanted to give birth at home to minimize time away from Aurelia since I’d never spent the night away from her…again, not because it was right for this baby. After making the decision to deliver again at North Fulton, I felt a weight lift.
Because of the change in plans, I found a new midwife who was allowed to deliver at the hospital and my previous midwife remained on my birth team as my doula. During my first appointment with my new midwife (at 37 weeks!), I found out, to my surprise and delight, that North Fulton actually allows water births. Finally, my birth plan felt right.
Over the following weeks, I had several labor false starts. The day before my due date, my husband took matters into his own hands and made eggplant parmesan to try to bring on labor. Within two hours of eating it, at about 8:00 pm, I let my midwife and doula know that I was starting to feel contractions. At first, they were mild and irregular, but by 10:00 pm, they had become more intense, a minute long and about 12 minutes apart. By 10:30, they were about 90 seconds long and six minutes apart, so my husband packed the car with our overnight bags, my yoga ball, snacks for me during labor and gifts for the nursing staff and my birth team. We met my midwife at her office at 12:30 am; she said I was 4 cm dilated and that we were ready to go to the hospital. By the time we drove to the hospital and got settled in our room, about 15 minutes later, I was 6 cm dilated.
The nurse attached a fetal heart monitoring device to my belly. In order to qualify for a water birth, the baby’s heart rate had to remain normal for 30 minutes, which fortunately it did! After that, the nurse removed the monitor and I was free to get off the bed and move around the room. I labored on the yoga ball and then in a standing position leaning over the bed for about an hour. My midwife gave me a cold towel with peppermint essential oils which significantly helped keep my nausea under control, and my doula applied counter pressure on my hips and sacrum during contractions which made the sensations so much more bearable.
At around 2:15 am, my doula suggested a change in position to keep labor moving, so I went to the bathroom to labor on the toilet. I jokingly asked “do I have to?” This was my least favorite position when I was laboring with Aurelia because it really strengthens contractions, so I was prepared for more intensity. Once I sat on the toilet, I threw up from the pain almost immediately, but the change of position worked; I felt almost a thud when the baby dropped even further down.
At this point, I asked my doula “what’s the plan?” because I was ready to get into the birth pool for some relief. She and my midwife both agreed that I was ready, so I got in around 2:45 am. WOW…the birth pool was incredible. The warmth of the water was so therapeutic, and the almost weightless feeling helped with the pressure and discomfort. It definitely didn’t mask the pain (I still threw up again) but it took the edge off and gave me the support I needed for the last phase of labor. I remember talking to the baby and asking him/her to work together with me during the last phase of labor. During contractions, my doula urged me to use sound to push energy downwards, helping move the baby and helping curb my nausea as well.
About an hour later, around 3:45, I moved into a side lying position in the water. My midwife and doula said that this was a good position for pushing, and I realized for the first time that I might actually pull this off! It seemed too good to be true. A few minutes later, my midwife and nurse brought in the receiving table for the baby, a mirror and a light on a stand to shine into the pool; until now, the only light in the room was from twinkle lights hung on the wall around the birth pool and bathroom. I couldn’t believe I was getting so close!
A few minutes later, I started feeling the urge to bear down, and I knew I had made it to the pushing phase of labor. What came next felt so primal. My body completely took over during contractions and started pushing on its own. The sounds I made were guttural and almost animalistic. While I was pushing, my water broke. It felt and sounded like a champagne cork shooting out of a bottle. I had my eyes closed and was so focused that I was surprised by the sensation and looked at my doula. I had no idea what happened!
My doula told me that I could reach down and feel the baby’s head, which was another boost I needed for the last few pushes. After that, the baby’s head started to crown and I felt the infamous ring of fire as my body stretched to fit around the head. Now, just six weeks later, I don’t remember the pain. I just remember being ecstatic and in complete awe that I was about to meet my baby and that I finally got the water birth I wanted.
I had a big contraction, which turned out to be the last during labor, and it felt right to kept pushing after it was over. My midwife said “LOOK, Lindsey!” because my eyes were shut tight and I was about to miss the baby being born! It was 4:22 am. I’ll never forget how she looked coming up from the water with her eyes open. My husband was supposed to announce the gender but I was closer to her and shouted “it’s a GIRL!” When they handed her to me, my first thoughts were 1) this is a big baby, and she feels so strong, and 2) she’s so calm. She was looking around and quiet; we had to work very hard to agitate her enough to make her cry. I absolutely believe that she was so calm because of our birth experience and the environment.
My midwife asked me to reach into the water to grab the umbilical cord to see if it was still pulsing. Once it stopped, she helped my husband cut it, then she helped me out of the water and into the bed while my husband did skin-to-skin time with the baby. Then he handed her to me to nurse. I held her for about an hour, then another nurse came in to measure the baby. She was 8 pounds 10 ounces and 22 inches long and perfectly healthy. While the baby was with the nurse, my nurse helped me go to the bathroom. After having an epidural with Aurelia, I have to say that it was so nice to be able to walk on my own immediately and not have a catheter this time around.
Throughout the entire process of labor and delivery, I felt so focused, in control and present. While the sensations were incredibly intense, I didn’t try to run and hide from the pain like I had with Aurelia. With each contraction, I made the decision to run toward the intensity because I was more afraid of a long labor (my first was 34 hours) than I was of the intensity of one contraction. I credit that mentality with my steady progression and short 8 hour labor.
At one point in the labor pool, I remember joking with my midwife and doula, and then I realized because we’d been talking, I hadn’t had a contraction in a few minutes. I wanted to keep labor moving, so I decided to bring on a contraction, and instantly, one started. In that moment, I understood the mind-body connection in a new way and truly appreciated how critical your mentality is to the labor experience.
That’s why your birth team, your state of mind and your environment are such critical elements to the outcome of your labor experience. If I can offer one piece of unsolicited advice it’s this: don’t settle into auto pilot when it comes to creating your birth plan. Dig deep. Get honest with yourself about what you want. Be picky about who’s by your side when the time comes. And if necessary, be prepared fight like hell for yourself and your baby. You can’t control much about the miraculous, beautiful, transformative event that is the birth of your child, but you can control that.
This week, my husband has been away on a work trip. This marks the first time he and I have been apart since February 2020, and the only time I’ve been home with our daughter for an extended period of time without him. I’m spoiled in a big way.
I won’t lie; leading up to this week, I was definitely nervous. What if she had a tough growth spurt week? What if my patience faded under the pressure of around-the-clock care? What if I couldn’t juggle our daughter, our dog, managing the house and being pregnant? And aside from all of that, I actually like spending time with him 🙂 Spending that much time apart after so long seemed so abrupt and lonely.
On the first day he was gone, everything was business as usual. I stuck to the baby’s routine and before I knew it, I was starting her bath time. I was so relieved and felt confident that things would continue to go smoothly.
On the second day, something shifted. Our day flew by, and as I was putting her to sleep, I got really emotional. I wasn’t ready to put her to sleep and was struck by the realization that I was enjoying her companionship. Our relationship has shifted from caretaker and baby. We genuinely have fun together. We communicate with and without words. We laugh. And this is just the beginning of a lifetime of creating memories together.
As a new parent, it’s so easy to get hung up on the caretaker role…which is in many ways a thankless job. You can easily lose sight of the big picture and the future under the strain of the day-to-day grind, the monotony and the stress. That’s why I thought of this week with trepidation: I was focused on how I would manage. By reframing it as getting to spend more quality time with my daughter, just the two of us without dad around, it shifted from something stressful to a memory I’ll never forget.
Reframing can be a powerful tool in parenting, moving your perspective from…
….frustration about a baby’s sleep schedule to gratitude for seeing every sunrise.
…feeling unproductive in how much you accomplish every day to appreciating the opportunity to slow down.
…missing your old self and former life to welcoming growth, transformation and the new you.
It’s not always easy to reframe while you’re in the thick of a challenging situation, but if you set the intention, I’m confident that the right perspective will come.
Last week, we went on a road trip to the beach, which was the first time the three of us and our dog Kona were in the car together for an extended amount of time.
It got me thinking that while we prepared Kona for the changes a baby would bring to our home (the smells, noises, new gadgets, etc.), we never prepared him for changes in the car. So I’m adding a fourth tip for introducing your baby to your dog….
#4 – Get your dog comfortable with riding beside a car seat. Kona is a large dog (husky mix), and before our baby was born, he was accustomed to having the entire backseat to himself. In hindsight, I wish we’d installed the car seat earlier so that he could get used to having less space. And since I’ve often ridden in the backseat with our daughter if she’s especially fussy, I also wish we’d let Kona practice riding in the front passenger seat as well. Introducing him to a new seat with much less space during a stressful car ride with a screaming baby (like we did last week) doesn’t set anyone up for success.
So take it from me…play out different scenarios of who will be in your car, where they’ll sit and what you’ll want on hand to keep them happy beforehand, and you’ll be much less likely to compound an already difficult situation.
Yesterday, I had my 15-week prenatal appointment with my midwife. During every appointment, she goes through a checklist of questions related to my physical and emotional wellbeing. This time, when she asked about how I’m doing emotionally, I paused. I told her about the anxiety I’ve felt related to violence in our area, particularly gun violence related to kids. I also talked about how my fears around COVID really flared up around the holidays and into January.
As she let me ramble, I had a major realization: my anxiety and fear actually had very little to do with COVID and the violence we’ve seen on the news. Rationally, I know that we’re safe. We make thoughtful choices, and we’re not taking many (if any) risks to put us in harm’s way. I realized that I have some unaddressed fear as a new mom that’s been compounded by the fact that I’m pregnant again. Out of shame for not living up to my own standards, I wasn’t allowing myself to express that fear, so instead I attached it to two very real, widespread and acceptable fears…COVID and gun violence.
The reasons those fears have persisted and evolved into anxiety is because I hadn’t addressed their root cause. By allowing myself to be honest about the more vulnerable cause – motherhood can be scary – I continue to accept my whole self and show myself some grace. I also have the opportunity to evaluate my own expectations. Do I judge other mothers for their fears as parents? Absolutely not. So why do I judge myself?
All that to say, our fears as parents are valid. But there’s a big difference between recognizing fears, taking proper precautions and letting them go and what I was doing…taking proper precautions and then continuing to worry.
If you find yourself caught in a fear-based cycle of feeling anxious and attempting to control situations, it’s worth checking in. Have you taken precautions? Are you still worrying? What can you let go? Know that your fears are valid, but they don’t have to control you.
One piece of advice that’s worked for me is to find an emotional anchor that you can come back to again and again when you feel yourself slipping into anxious mode. For me, that’s a deep conviction that the house we moved into a couple years ago was divine intervention. The timing, the features and the neighborhood were exactly what we wanted. We are meant to be there as a family and so we are safe.
I’ve used clean beauty and personal care products for years. Once my partner and I decided to try to get pregnant with our first child, I committed to using clean products, including cleaning and other household products, exclusively. During my current pregnancy, I’ve gone a step further by educating myself and becoming more selective about what classifies as “clean.”
I love that brands like Sephora offer a clean label to make it easy to find safe products, but turns out, their standards aren’t always as discerning as I’d like. Instead, I now rely on the Environmental Working Group’s Skin Deep Cosmetics Database. It’s an incredible resource for finding out how clean your products actually are; you simply search for a product or brand, and the results include a 1 out of 10 overall rating as well as detailed categories for cancer, developmental and reproductive toxicity, allergies, etc. It might sound like information overload, but it’s actually extremely user friendly. Look for the label EWG Verified which is their highest stamp of approval.
I’ve been so surprised by the results of my searches, and it’s really helped me make decisions about where to spend my money. (For the record, Beautycounter and Honest Beauty are the safest brands I’ve come across.)
Needless to say, I’ve been phasing out some of my old products in favor of cleaner replacements recently. As I’ve been reading labels on the new products, I noticed something that makes this process even more tricky: just because a product is clean, it’s not necessarily safe during pregnancy. For example, I ordered Honest Beauty’s Vitamin C Radiance Serum, which is EWG Verified, but after getting it in the mail and reading the packaging, I realized it contains Gallic Acid, which is considered unsafe during pregnancy.
Any products that are smoothing or brightening tend to contain either alpha hydroxy acids (AHAs) or beta hydroxy acids (BHAs). Most alpha hydroxy acids (AHAs) are considered unsafe during pregnancy, except for glycolic acid (7% concentration or lower) and lactic acid (5% concentration or lower). AHAs that shouldn’t be used during pregnancy are mandelic acid, malic acid, and tartaric acid. Beta hydroxy acids (BHAs) is the category of acids that classifies salicylic acid, which you should avoid during pregnancy.
Sunless tanner. Some sources say that sunless tanner sits on top of the skin and isn’t absorbed, so it’s safe. I’ve found other sources that say dihydroxyacetone, or DHA, could penetrate the skin. Most of the “cleanest” sunless tanners I’ve found contain DHA, so be on the lookout if that’s an ingredient you’re hoping to avoid.
Admittedly, finding conclusive information on this topic can be a confusing and frustrating process. When in doubt, look it up or check with a dermatologist or another expert you trust.
Heat 4 teaspoons oil in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Add onion, garlic, celery, zucchini, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and a pinch of pepper. Cook, stirring, 3 minutes. Add stock, and bring to a boil.
Add peas, and return to a boil. Reduce heat, and simmer, stirring occasionally, until peas are tender and bright green, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in spinach. Cover, and cook, stirring occasionally, until spinach has wilted, 2 to 3 minutes.
Working in 2 batches, puree pea mixture in a blender, filling no more than halfway and adding up to 2 tablespoons water to each batch to achieve desired consistency. Stir in 1 teaspoon lemon juice, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/8 teaspoon pepper.
Adapted from Martha Stewart’s Spinach and Pea Soup.
In January, a six-month old baby was shot and killed by stray bullets at 3 p.m. on a Monday in Atlanta, about 30 minutes from where we live. Gunfire erupted when two adults got into an altercation outside of a grocery store. The baby was riding in the car with his mom, and their car was struck as they drove by.
The reality of the world we live in can be terrifying, heartbreaking and disgusting. This crime is so senseless and avoidable and yet deeply complex at its root. As parents, my husband and I have been shaken to our core by this news. Yesterday evening, we had a long discussion about fear, loss, generational trauma and how a community can and should respond.
Last night, as I was falling asleep, I started to feel my mind racing about COVID and whether or not we’re taking too many risks; I replayed our afternoon walk from that day and our outside interactions with a few neighbors. I stopped my chattering thoughts long enough to realize that this anxiety wasn’t about COVID at all; it actually stemmed from our discussion about the shooting. In an effort to create a false sense of control over my family’s safety, I started obsessing over something I can control: exposure to COVID.
In that moment, an image came over me that immediately soothed my fear and transformed it into its original state….love. This only takes a few minutes, and I hope you’ll try it if you start to feel overwhelmed.
Close your eyes and take a few slow, restorative breaths.
Check in with your body and identify where you’re holding anxiety. (I felt mine in my stomach.)
Let one of your fears come to mind. Once you’ve identified it, picture it as a black string inside your body. Now imagine pinching that string with your fingertips and pulling it out of your body to remove it. Do that again and again until you’ve collected all of the fears bothering you in this moment.
Look at your handful of strings and say these words to yourself or out loud: “Beings of light and love, I feel these fears because I’m afraid of losing what I love. Please transmute these fears into feelings of love and return them to my heart.” (The words are just a guide; change them or address them to another being that is meaningful to you.)
As you finish saying the words, imagine the black threads transforming, becoming a vibrant red, twisting together and joining over your head into the shape of a heart. Notice the energy of these beautiful feelings and welcome them as they land on your chest and sink into your heart. Feel the expansion of your heart and let its pulsing energy radiate outwards until it reaches every part of your body.
Enjoy this sensation until you feel complete and give gratitude for your transformation.
For the most part, we live in a society that rewards thinking, logic and analysis…living exclusively in our heads. The upside is productivity and progress, but at the risk of over analysis, anxiety, burnout, exhaustion, and worst of all, living a life full of things we were “supposed” to do, but that leaves us entirely unfulfilled.
The problem isn’t in the thinking; it’s in forgetting the balance of thinking and feeling. In fact, most of us have gotten so accustomed to being in our heads that we struggle to even know how to be in our bodies. We’ve lost our connection to our inner knowing, our intuition, our gut, our compass…the only path to a fulfilling life.
Getting in touch with that inner voice guides big decisions about our careers, the people we choose to surround ourselves with and where we live, as well as thousands of every-day decisions. Most people notice that inner voice every now and then, whether we’re trying to or not; you might find yourself saying or thinking things like, “That person gave me a bad feeling,” “Something told me to call you” or “It just felt right.” The goal of living more in our bodies is to connect with that instinct all of the time for the direction and answers we seek.
The idea of finding answers within ourselves can be both liberating and terrifying. I read recently that although anxiety expresses itself differently ways, its root cause is a lack of trust in ourselves; if we had full trust and confidence in our ability to make the right decisions, find and give love, be good parents and employees, handle difficult situations, provide for ourselves and our families and all of the other ways we worry, we would live a more settled, peaceful and content life.
Looking back over the years, the split-second decisions I made based on a feeling that I couldn’t justify or rationalize have always made me so much happier than the decisions I agonized over. You might find the same is true for you.
A note for pregnant mamas and new parents: Having information about pregnancy and parents at our fingertips is incredible, but also terribly overwhelming. I poured myself into research, but when in came down to making decisions, I checked in with myself and with my baby to find the path that was right for us. Know that you have options and the right to choose every aspect of your care; I believe that a truly empowered pregnancy and birth requires the ability to make decisions based on your instinctual knowing, rather than your mind, which can so easily become clouded by fear, worry and doubt. I’ve found that all of the troubleshooting we’ve done as first-time parents has required instinct and going with our gut. (That was especially true when trying to navigate dozens of different expert opinions on our daughter’s tongue tie.)
Getting back into your body is a constant practice that requires some unlearning of old habits and frequent check-ins with yourself. With some dedication, you will see major changes as you access your knowing and relax into the flow of your life. You already have all of the tools you need.
The following practices have worked for me during different stages of my life. I recommend setting aside 5 or 10 minutes every day…choose a length of time that feels attainable to you. Select a few practices from this list (or others that work for you) and dedicate a week to each one. Notice how they feel and adopt one/s that bring you closer into connection with yourself.
Meditation or guided meditation. Meditation can feel intimidating, but it doesn’t need to be. A meditation app can help remove the guesswork and make the practice feel accessible. Here is a list of some of the best apps that either offer free meditations or a free trial. If apps aren’t your thing, you could set a timer for yourself and put on relaxing music….or no music at all.
Reiki. Reiki is a type of energy work. Before you write this one off as not for you, hear me out. When I lived in California, I worked with a group that offered Reiki for patients and caregivers at Stanford Hospital. We only had 10 minutes with each person in a crowded waiting room, but the results were truly amazing. We made believers out of dozens of skeptical patients each week. I was introduced to Reiki by my life coach Arda Ozdemir, and coupled with our weekly therapy sessions, Reiki changed my life.
Qigong. Qigong is also a type of energy work. It’s a gentle exercise that involves breathing and simple, slow motions. Qigong helps me get into my body and connect with and move the energy in my body. You can find a lot of great videos on YouTube that guide you.
Journaling. In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron maps out a routine to help tap into your creativity, and one daily practice she recommends is writing. She suggests overcoming writer’s block by not getting hung up on the topic; write about whatever is occupying your mind, even if that’s a grocery list or an interaction you’re worried about that day. By writing it down and silencing the chatter in your head, you can start to tap into your inner voice.
Yoga or other movement. Remember that the goal for this isn’t necessarily exercise, but getting into the body. Experiment with different types of yoga to see what works for you. For me, yoga nidra and yin yoga are most effective. These forms of yoga are meant to be slow and meditative. They offer a chance to check in with your body and explore your emotional well-being.
Breathwork. A simple but very effective place to start with breathwork is belly breathing. The simple step of directing your attention to your breath can regulate your nervous system and bring you back into your body. If you’d like to hear more about the science behind breathwork and healing, this Ted Talk with Max Strom is an excellent resource.
Self massage. According to Ayurveda, daily self massage is recommended to boost circulation, remove tension, improve sleep and nourish the body. Ideally, it’s done with oil (like sesame oil) in a warm room and followed by a warm bath or shower. You can find an overview of how to perform an Ayurvedic massage. If you don’t have time for a full massage every day, you can massage your scalp, ears, palms of your hands and soles of your feet instead. It can be easy to let your mind wander, but try to always come back to the physical sensations in your body.
Feel your feet. This tip came from my life coach Arda Ozdemir, and it’s so easy because you can do it anytime and anywhere, and it takes about 10 seconds. If you find your thoughts spinning, anxiety swelling or you’re just in need for a reset, take a few slow breaths and concentrate on the bottoms of your feet for about 10 seconds. By directing your energy there, you send your focus from your head to your body and feel more grounded.
Let me know what you try and which practice works best for you!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we show up as parents based on what was modeled for us as children. As I look around at the people closest to me, I see example after example of either parents trying to replicate their own childhood or parents desperately trying to create the exact opposite of their own childhood. A selfless, guilt-ridden mom, like her own mom was. Another mom trying to create structure and order for her kids because her own childhood home was unstable. A dad who started therapy when his wife was pregnant to address and undo the trauma he experienced as a child.
We have an enormous opportunity as parents to learn from our experiences and put an end to these cycles. But it takes a great deal of strength, persistence and courage to do this work. It demands that we get really honest with ourselves about our childhood experience, a process that can be incredibly painful, especially when abuse, addiction, loss or absent parents are involved.
Usually, looking back a few generations can help you to notice patterns of behavior and better understand the present. An acquaintance of mine mentioned offhandedly that three generations of women in her family (herself included) had gotten pregnant without being married and had become single moms. I don’t believe that’s a coincidence.
In my own family, I’ve noticed a lineage of women who married unhappy, abusive men. I’ve asked myself questions like: How did those women attract that negative force into their lives? What was their father figure like? What was their lesson? How did that experience affect their children? Did their children recreate that pattern for themselves, or take a different path? Notice that these are neutral questions, not emotional ones. This is not about judgement or anger; it’s about compassion and understanding.
Give some thought to your own family and any patterns you see. Remember, the patterns you’ll find aren’t necessarily bad; consider them all as information for you…clues into your family history and yourself.
What experiences are you bringing in as a parent?
What unresolved hurt or trauma are you holding on to?
What can you let go of?
What do you need to do as a parent to end unhealthy cycles for your children?
This can be an incredibly healing meditation or journaling exercise, but I also recommend seeing a counselor, therapist or life coach if that’s an option for you. There’s a lot to be said for professional guidance and not going through the process alone. Although the process can be long and sometimes painful, you, and future generations, will be so much happier for it.