Tag: healing

Time anxiety and how I’m addressing it

Published on by Lindsey SeyediLeave a comment

I don’t consider myself a particularly anxious person, but if there’s one area I struggle with, it’s feeling overwhelmed about time. I was introduced to the concept of time anxiety through Laura Tremaine’s 10 Things to Tell You podcast. Before this episode, I never considered classifying those nagging little worries, but as with most things, naming it has given me so much more awareness and understanding.

In a nutshell, Laura describes two types of time-related anxiety: 1) the short-term, how-will-I-ever-get-everything-done-today type of panic, and 2) the long-term, I’m already-40-how-will-I-have-time-to-fullfill-all-of-my-dreams type of dread.

My concerns fall mostly into the first category, and when I notice them creeping in, I try not to pass judgement. I use it as a reminder to focus on whatever I’m doing, because I’ve found that when I’m feeling time anxiety, I tend to flutter between tasks repeatedly rather than finishing one and moving to the next.

I’ve also taken Laura’s advice about adopting a time-related mantra, which I use repeatedly throughout the day: “I have enough time.” It does feel a little empty at first — more like a wish than reality — but over time, it’s started to sink in. I feel much less frantic and more in control of my time, like I’m deliberately choosing how to spend it versus letting the clock run all over me.

P.S. If you’re looking for a deeper dive on time anxiety, I highly recommend listening to Laura Tremaine’s podcast, episode 145.

P.P.S. Read more thoughts on how we spend our time. Will we choose guilt, shaming or joy?

Making time for a spiritual practice when you have young children

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I could’ve titled this post “Aspirations for the year” because creating space for my own spiritual growth while staying at home with a two year old and one year old has been my focus for months. I don’t pretend to have it figured out, but I want to share what’s working for me in the hope that my suggestions will benefit others. Let’s jump right in.

Primary barriers

The biggest barriers in nurturing my spiritual practice are 1) having time and 2) having space. The lack of time speaks for itself…it’s hard to set aside blocks of time for meaningful spiritual experiences; put another way, it’s hard to have a spiritual breakthrough while your child is absorbed in a 15-minute episode of Trash Truck. Hey, it can happen, but it’s tough. It’s much easier to do a load of laundry and let your spirituality take a backseat.

In some ways, I think creating time is easier than creating space. By this, I don’t mean physical space. I think of creating space in energetic terms; I need a basic amount of calm and focus to be able to sink into a spiritual experience…both of which can be tricky to come by in a house with kids.

I’ve looked for ways to address these barriers in my life and made some small adjustments that have yielded big results for me.

First, reframe how you define “spiritual practice.”

For months, I was so hung up on wanting the perfect, deep spiritual experience — where I could set aside two hours for a reflection on self love for instance — that I missed out on having any experience at all. Don’t be like me! Don’t let the perfect get in the way of the good! Be honest with yourself about what’s realistic in this phase of your life and give yourself a lot of grace when expectations aren’t always reality.

Look for ways to incorporate spiritual practices into everyday life.

After months of trying and failing to make time for myself, I had a breakthrough: if I wasn’t able to make time away from my kids, then my kids would need to be part of my practice. My goal for these rituals is simple…grounding and gratitude. They’re easy to incorporate into our morning routines, and though my children are young, I think it helps model good habits for them as well as benefitting me. Here are a few habits to consider:

  1. Light a candle or incense and set an intention for the day.
  2. Play grounding music. I’ve been listening to a track called “Any Energy Still” by Beautiful Chorus on the Insight Timer app; it repeats the mantra “any energy I do not need may leave” and it feels so clearing. I do this while I’m tidying our kitchen and making breakfast. Side note: This is a concept called “pairing” that I learned from Gretchen Rubin, and it’s a great way to incorporate new habits. For instance, flossing your teeth while you talk on the phone; you don’t need to set aside extra time and the old habit (talking on the phone) is a reminder to do the new habit (flossing). Simple but effective.
  3. When the kids are fussy, I burn sage as a reset for all of our moods.
  4. Show gratitude and acknowledge nature. As soon as my children wake up, we sit on the sofa together and look out the window to our backyard. I say good morning to the sun, trees, flowers, insects and animals and thank them and Mother Earth for their protection, bounty and love.
  5. Prepare special baths on the full moon with Epsom salt, essential oils and a relaxing playlist.

Next, I want to implement some morning yoga with my kids and one page of journaling for me while they play with their morning baskets. Here are some other ideas for getting out of your head and into your body.

While these ideas are by no means groundbreaking, I’ve found that they help me keep a healthy mindset and inspire me to make more time for spiritual development when I can.

Plan ahead to facilitate deeper spiritual work.

Simple daily practices, while incredibly effective, likely aren’t a replacement for deeper spiritual work; that type of practice takes time, focus and the ability to really drop in to reflect and receive messages. This area is still a work in progress for me, but here a few things that are making a difference:

  1. Have a list of resources ready so that when unexpected free time appears, you don’t waste it by wondering what to do. Your list can include rituals, articles or podcasts you want to explore, meditations, local and online classes, journal prompts, etc. I keep mine in the notes section of my phone so that it’s always available.
  2. If possible, find a community in your area that shares your belief system and your schedule. I recently came across a teacher based in Atlanta who is the mother of two young children. Most of the people in the community she’s built are also moms, and the times they gather are much more aligned to my schedule than someone who appeals to single adults.
  3. Put it on the calendar. Gretchen Rubin coined the adage: “something that can be done at any time is often done at no time.” I found that by scheduling my spiritual work, I was much more likely to not let other things like housework get in the way. You could begin with rituals aligned with moon cycles since that offers a built-in structured framework.

You can always ask for support from the Universe…for a community…for more time in your day…for help prioritizing…for a new teacher to come into your life…to help you make space to learn and grow. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you might also want to adopt a time-related mantra. But most importantly, give yourself grace when things aren’t going well and acknowledge that this is a particularly busy season of life. If you’re feeling a little dormant, know that spring is coming.

Permission to enjoy Nutella (and other indulgences)

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This week, a friend and I were talking about several new activities keeping her busy this year. While all of the new developments are incredibly positive — a new kickboxing hobby, more time with friends, a meditation course she’s hosting — she’s overwhelmed with managing her time.

She started recounting her typical schedule and after a pause, said in a dark tone, “I’m addicted to TV.” I asked what she meant; I’ve known her my entire life and was surprised to hear this confession. She said that she watches one show every morning — it’s her guilty pleasure — and she can’t give it up. She said “I know tv is bad for me. I know what you’re thinking. How can I complain about being busy if I’m watching TV for 45 minutes every morning?”

I asked her how she feels after watching her show. If it’s a part of her morning routine that helps her feel relaxed, ready to take on the day and even a little indulgent, then how could it be unhealthy for her?

This thinking is such a common trap. We get so caught up in busyness, productivity and what’s “good” and “bad” for us, that we often avoid day-to-day pleasures that could make a substantial difference in our overall happiness. It’s all about the energy with which we approach these small indulgences…with appreciation, joy and mindfulness as opposed to feelings of insecurity, lack or guilt.

Admittedly, this distinction isn’t always straightforward. Almost two years ago, I had my first child. She was born in the midst of COVID, and the pandemic combined with my new stay-at-home mom status left me feeling pretty isolated. A friend of mine started a virtual moms’ group and invited me to join. The group’s charter was to have meaningful conversations about parenting mindfully. It sounded like exactly what I was looking for, so I was baffled that after only joining a couple of times, I found excuses to not attend week after week.

It took me two years to understand why. I knew at the time that I always hung up the phone feeling so much worse than before, and I assumed that was because I’m an empathetic person, and listening to a dozen women share their deepest feelings of anguish, anxiety, sadness and fear was difficult. But the calls also made me question, very fundamentally, whether I was fit to be a mother at all. On one call, I remember a very judgmental discussion about watching Netflix in the evenings and the diagnosis that if we’re watching TV, then we’re “numbing out” to escape unaddressed issues and unhappiness in our lives. At the time, I had been watching “The Crown” in the evenings with my husband, and I broke down weeping on the call and told the group, between sobs, that I didn’t want to be that kind of parent.

In hindsight I see that sweeping accusations like the Netflix finger pointing that I endured are completely ridiculous. After giving 23 hours a day to my child, I chose to watch “The Crown” because it made me happy and because my husband and I enjoyed talking about British history, historical events, set design, living in Europe, etc. together. It brought us closer together. In our reality as new parents in a pandemic — too cautious to do much outside of the house — these were our dates, and they gave us so much joy.

It saddens me that even in the more enlightened wellness/metaphysical community, we can’t help but diagnose behaviors and try to fix people. When you’re looking for a problem, you will always find one. That’s not to say that TV and other addictions aren’t real and very serious…they are. But every action should be viewed in context.

I urge you to look for ways to inject some joy into your life. Try doing something normal at an unexpected time — like watching a show in the morning. In 2018, while I was living in London for work, I found a way to incorporate Nutella into my breakfast every Friday; having it for breakfast felt absolutely decadent and so celebratory.

Eat your Nutella. Watch your show. Use your wedding china. Burn the nice candle. What better way to honor the beauty in life than to make time every day to enjoy it?

A not-so-scary approach to writing your memoir

Published on by Lindsey SeyediLeave a comment

A friend recently gifted me a copy of Laura Tremaine’s Share Your Stuff. I’ll Go First.: 10 Questions to Take Your Friendships to the Next Level. Each chapter of the book begins with an essay about Laura’s life through the lens of a particular theme: pivotal decisions, belonging, magical moments, breaking points, etc. The close of each chapter includes a writing prompt on the same topic.

The book is a quick read (or listen), and while the writing wasn’t exactly profound, I was incredibly inspired by the prompts and overall layout of the book. By covering just 10 themes, Laura manages to share the highlights of her life to date and paints a vivid, even complex, picture of herself. By the end, you truly feel like you know her.

About halfway through the book, a lightbulb went off. If I took the time to sit down and explore all of these writing prompts, I, like Laura, could have a pretty thorough personal memoir to show for it. I’ve considered writing down my story before, but I’ve been intimidated by the process. But 10 chapters? With themes that have already been decided for me? I could start now, tackle one theme a month and have a full memoir written by December. Now that feels doable.

I do have to admit that it’s not quite that simple. There’s nothing particularly dazzling about each chapter of Laura’s book, but there is something dazzling in the way they marry to tell a full story. At face value, it comes across as simple and straightforward, but I suspect that a lot of thought went into chapter order, which stories she selected and how she ensured continuity without being redundant.

One of my most treasured projects over the past year has been writing a tribute book about my grandmother who passed away in 2020. She developed dementia over the last few years of her life, and when symptoms appeared, I sat down with her for a series of interviews about her life. I asked her everything I could imagine, wrote it down and collected photos and recipes to accompany the text. I began designing the book in 2014 (!) and finally had the first draft printed last month. This book will be treasured by so many members of my family as well as future generations. I wrote it down exactly as she said it, so the stories are in her voice. As a result, I can hear her in all of the pages. It is one of my most valued possessions.

Writing down your stories is both a tribute to yourself and also a therapeutic process. I can’t wait to see what old memories surface and what I learn about myself along the way. If this resonates with you, I hope you’ll try it, too. Let’s get writing!

What’s the origin of your fear?

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Yesterday, I had my 15-week prenatal appointment with my midwife. During every appointment, she goes through a checklist of questions related to my physical and emotional wellbeing. This time, when she asked about how I’m doing emotionally, I paused. I told her about the anxiety I’ve felt related to violence in our area, particularly gun violence related to kids. I also talked about how my fears around COVID really flared up around the holidays and into January.

As she let me ramble, I had a major realization: my anxiety and fear actually had very little to do with COVID and the violence we’ve seen on the news. Rationally, I know that we’re safe. We make thoughtful choices, and we’re not taking many (if any) risks to put us in harm’s way. I realized that I have some unaddressed fear as a new mom that’s been compounded by the fact that I’m pregnant again. Out of shame for not living up to my own standards, I wasn’t allowing myself to express that fear, so instead I attached it to two very real, widespread and acceptable fears…COVID and gun violence.

The reasons those fears have persisted and evolved into anxiety is because I hadn’t addressed their root cause. By allowing myself to be honest about the more vulnerable cause – motherhood can be scary – I continue to accept my whole self and show myself some grace. I also have the opportunity to evaluate my own expectations. Do I judge other mothers for their fears as parents? Absolutely not. So why do I judge myself?

All that to say, our fears as parents are valid. But there’s a big difference between recognizing fears, taking proper precautions and letting them go and what I was doing…taking proper precautions and then continuing to worry.

If you find yourself caught in a fear-based cycle of feeling anxious and attempting to control situations, it’s worth checking in. Have you taken precautions? Are you still worrying? What can you let go? Know that your fears are valid, but they don’t have to control you.

One piece of advice that’s worked for me is to find an emotional anchor that you can come back to again and again when you feel yourself slipping into anxious mode. For me, that’s a deep conviction that the house we moved into a couple years ago was divine intervention. The timing, the features and the neighborhood were exactly what we wanted. We are meant to be there as a family and so we are safe.

Postpartum healing isn’t linear

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Before we had our first child, I became fascinated with the postpartum period: the personal transformation that’s possible if you’re nurtured, allowed enough space to sit with the changes and probably most important of all, open to surrender. Cultures around the world have recognized this critical juncture for centuries and emphasize the need to “mother the mother” to support her transition from woman to mother. In Ayurveda, the first 42 days is considered a sacred window, a time that defines the next 42 years.

I entered my postpartum days with a list of things I wasn’t going to do…things like worrying about how my body looked, hyper-focusing on keeping our house tidy and perfect, getting out of bed, entertaining and being active too soon. Despite a couple of setbacks, the first six weeks went beautifully. I felt physically healed, at peace and so deeply connected to our daughter.

Fast forward to today, eight months later. Over the past month, my emotions started to spike, and suddenly feel turbulent, seemingly out of nowhere. My nervous system felt unbalanced. I was having dreams about flooding water and rollercoasters, an ongoing theme in my dreams when I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed in life.

I felt myself going off track, so I started focusing more on restoring balance to my body and recommitted to my spiritual practice. I also booked a psychic reading this week with Gina Fuschetto, She talked me through several visuals she saw of my emotional state, and we talked about what the symbolism meant to me. Through that experience, I was finally able to see my emotional landscape more objectively.

In my attempt to do everything “right” in my postpartum period (and let’s be honest, my life overall) I missed the bigger picture…the importance of letting go. I held too tightly to my ideal vision of what my postpartum period “should” be that I unknowingly managed and controlled my emotions throughout the process. As a result, my inner world felt only partially acknowledged.

That realization is so liberating. I haven’t appreciated how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself. The changes I’ll make are small but profound. I am determined to be more vulnerable with my loved ones and myself about how I’m really feeling. And I’m committed to being even more transparent about my own experiences on this platform, too.

As I reflect on the past eight months of motherhood, my biggest surprise has been that the healing process (emotional and physical) hasn’t been linear…and I don’t think I’m alone in that experience. I expected the transition to be really hard for the first six weeks and then taper off in a predictable way once we got the swing of things. I focused so much on that sacred window that I really didn’t give myself permission to struggle after that. But I found that actually, there have been so many ebbs and flows…

Months 0-2 – physical healing, complete awe, crying because of deep love, not having a clue

Month 3 – feeling adjusted, starting to get in a rhythm

Month 4 – major sleep setback for baby, tired, depleted, anxious

Month 5-6 – deeper physical healing, finding a good schedule for us

Month 7 – loss of self, feelings of monotony, mild depression, disruption from teething leading to crankiness and lack of sleep

Month 8– return to balance and to self

As a first born and a perfectionist, I wanted make motherhood look easy. But I owe it to myself to let it look messy and complicated and exhausting, because it is! That’s not the lesson I expected to learn during my sacred window, but I’m so incredibly thankful that I see it now and that I can set the intention to let. it. go.

Parenting for highly sensitive people

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Last week, I wrote about a new commitment to reimagine my every day rituals to better meet my needs. One of the three pillars of this goal is my spiritual practice.

I want to say at the outset that I’m going to be very honest here, and my intention is not to complain but to normalize talking about the hard parts of parenting. My friend Hana Raftery’s amazing vulnerability in sharing her experience with mothering as an HSP opened my eyes, and my hope is that by sharing my experience, I can help empower others. If we don’t take care of ourselves and our mental health, we can’t take care of anyone else.

Becoming a mom has been the single most soul-expanding, heart-filling, incredible experience of my life. But as a highly sensitive person, the sensory overload I’ve started to feel over the past month or so has been a struggle.

I’ve found that many of the aspects of motherhood are triggers for highly sensitive people (HSP); according to the Highly Sensitive Person Test, qualities of HSPs include:

  • Becoming easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input like loud noises or bright lights
  • Being affected by other people’s moods
  • Needing to withdraw for privacy and to avoid stimulation
  • Finding it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once
  • Feeling your nervous system become so rattled that you need time alone

Motherhood hasn’t been the only life phase that’s been a challenge for my sensitive nature. When I worked in an office, we had an open floor plan with literally dozens of people working at cubicles within earshot of my desk. The sounds of people on the phone, the frenetic energy, stressful deadlines and bright florescent lights made it difficult for me to concentrate and impossible to not feel overwhelmed and drained. At least once a day, I booked an empty conference room and sat alone with the lights off to just breathe, feel my feet and try to ground myself.

But the difference between my office job and motherhood is that now there are very few breaks. I can’t step away, put on headphones and turn off the lights whenever I feel overwhelmed. It’s harder to detach myself from feeling my daughter’s energy and moods as I did with coworkers, because I’m responsible for her wellbeing…and she’s literally part of me. The sound of her playing and laughing is so joyful, but the sound of her unhappy, tired, frustrated or in pain from teething hurts me in a way that’s experiential and deeply upsetting. The combination of these new stimuli plus less sleep plus giving so much of my physical and emotional energy to look after and entertain her has resulted in an emptiness in me.

Like so many things we struggle with in life, just naming it can bring healing. I’ve known I was an HSP for a decade, but I didn’t put it through the lens of motherhood until Hana started sharing her experience. Having that understanding helps me know where my feelings are coming from and explain them to my husband. So many of my friends have confided that they regularly feel a sensory overload as parents, so I know I’m not alone. Neither are you.

I’m still testing out healing spiritual practices that bring grounding, connection and insight and that work with my new lifestyle. Life my office job, I know I’ll find new ways to adapt and grow.

Parenting choices and repeating patterns

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we show up as parents based on what was modeled for us as children. As I look around at the people closest to me, I see example after example of either parents trying to replicate their own childhood or parents desperately trying to create the exact opposite of their own childhood. A selfless, guilt-ridden mom, like her own mom was. Another mom trying to create structure and order for her kids because her own childhood home was unstable. A dad who started therapy when his wife was pregnant to address and undo the trauma he experienced as a child.

We have an enormous opportunity as parents to learn from our experiences and put an end to these cycles. But it takes a great deal of strength, persistence and courage to do this work. It demands that we get really honest with ourselves about our childhood experience, a process that can be incredibly painful, especially when abuse, addiction, loss or absent parents are involved.

Usually, looking back a few generations can help you to notice patterns of behavior and better understand the present. An acquaintance of mine mentioned offhandedly that three generations of women in her family (herself included) had gotten pregnant without being married and had become single moms. I don’t believe that’s a coincidence.

In my own family, I’ve noticed a lineage of women who married unhappy, abusive men. I’ve asked myself questions like: How did those women attract that negative force into their lives? What was their father figure like? What was their lesson? How did that experience affect their children? Did their children recreate that pattern for themselves, or take a different path? Notice that these are neutral questions, not emotional ones. This is not about judgement or anger; it’s about compassion and understanding.

Give some thought to your own family and any patterns you see. Remember, the patterns you’ll find aren’t necessarily bad; consider them all as information for you…clues into your family history and yourself.

What experiences are you bringing in as a parent?

What unresolved hurt or trauma are you holding on to?

What can you let go of?

What do you need to do as a parent to end unhealthy cycles for your children?

This can be an incredibly healing meditation or journaling exercise, but I also recommend seeing a counselor, therapist or life coach if that’s an option for you. There’s a lot to be said for professional guidance and not going through the process alone. Although the process can be long and sometimes painful, you, and future generations, will be so much happier for it.

Sweet water lactation tea

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This recipe is from Ysha Oakes, Ayurvedic cook and doula. This Ayurvedic lactation tea helps promote digestion, hydration, lactation and rejuvenation. I drank it throughout the day for the first two months after childbirth for lactation support.

2/3 tsp fennel seeds

1/3 tsp fenugreek seeds (I found mind at Banyan Botanicals.)

2 quarts water

Directions:

  1. Mix the seeds in this proportion in a glass jar to store for easy access.
  2. Boil water and add 1 tsp of the mixed seeds. Remove from heat, cover and steep for 5 minutes.
  3. Strain the seeds. (The seeds can be used in soups or with cooked vegetables.)
  4. Refrigerate half of the unused tea for later in the day. Drink warm or at room temperature. Make fresh daily.

Healing herbal bath tea for postpartum

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Herbs can be incredibly effective at reducing inflammation, soothing perineal tissue and healing tears after a vaginal birth. The blend I’ve chosen below is made up of beautiful and fragrant blossoms that are uplifting, soothing, healing and antiseptic.

A fresh bath can be taken once or twice daily for three to five days after a vaginal birth. (If you’ve had a Cesarean birth, a lavender or rose foot bath is an excellent alternative way to pamper yourself.) These herbs also aid in healing of the umbilical cord stump, so baby and birther can take this healing bath together.

In addition to using this blend in a bath, it can be used as herbal compresses, peri-rinses, sitz baths and frozen maxi pads, as directed below.

I found all of the herbs for my bath tea certified organic at Mountain Rose Herbs. They sometimes do sell out, so plan ahead!

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup (15 g) comfrey leaves
  • 1/2 cup (18 g) dried lavender
  • 1/2 cup (5 g) calendula blossoms
  • 1/2 cup (130 g) sea salt

Directions: In a medium pot, bring 6 cups (1.4 L) water to a boil. Add the comfrey, lavender and calendula, remove from heat, and let steep for 30 minutes, covered. Strain the tea water.

For herbal bath: Add tea directly to the tub, along with 1/2 cup of sea salt while filling with warm water.

For peri-rinse: Transfer the tea into a peri bottle. Use it to cleanse the entire area between the legs, especially after going to the bathroom. This helps with inflammation and stinging.

For sitz bath: A sitz bath is a nice alternative if you don’t have a bath tub available or if you don’t feel like fully immersing into the tub. A sitz bath is a basin that fits into your toilet seat. Simply fill the basin with tea and soak for 10 to 15 minutes or as long as you’re comfortable.

For compresses: Soak a washcloth in the tea and apply warm or cold to the perineum as needed to reduce tenderness and swelling.

For frozen maxi pads: Dip the maxi pads into the tea, one by one. Twist each pad gently to wring out the excess, then place them side by side on a baking sheet and put them in the freezer. When the pads are frozen, stack them in a zip-tight plastic bag and return them to the freezer. You can sit on a frozen pad for 7 to 10 minutes at a time.